Which Famous Fictional Drinker Are You?

courtesy Ken Johnson
courtesy Ken Johnson

Television and cinema have provided us with a dynamic array of iconic lushes. From Martini imbibers in classic films to sitcom beer pong champs, find out whose boozy tendencies are most similar to yours!

Keep track of the letter next to each answer you choose:

1. It's the office Christmas party, and (brace yourself): It's a potluck. What do you bring?

  1. A veggie platter from the closest deli. My stove is currently enjoying an indefinite celibacy.
  2. Shrimp cocktail.
  3. A fifth of whiskey. Let's not kid around.
  4. Mac 'n cheese. Love me some comfort food.
  5. I let the secretary handle it.
  6. Donuts. My favorite.
  7. Eggnog! An invariably fun holiday classic.
  8. Corn bread. Dixie tradition.
  9. A fine bottle of red.
  10. I don't need to bring anything. The other guests will supply plenty for me!

2. The Friday after an endless week, you're rewarding yourself with a night on the town. Where are you most likely to wind up?

  1. A lounge downtown. Someplace new and swanky that will accommodate my circle of friends and backdrop our ensembles nicely.
  2. The VIP room of an upscale gentleman's club.
  3. Around a table at the nearest pub, creaming everyone in a drinking match.
  4. The bowling alley, engaging in my typical tomfoolery.
  5. An expensive restaurant, drinking cocktails into the wee hours with my coworkers.
  6. The neighborhood tavern. I don't like to get too fancy.
  7. A sports bar with a jukebox, where I can drink for cheap and have some laid-back, potentially dancey fun with my pals.
  8. Sipping Bourbon at my go-to saloon. Alone.
  9. The orchestra, followed by a sophisticated restaurant in the city, where I can people-watch.
  10. Where people like me always end up—the fanciest venue in town surrounded by hoards of gorgeous women.

3. You've come into an all-expense paid dinner at the restaurant of your choice. What sounds good?

courtesy djwtwo
courtesy djwtwo
  1. Sushi!
  2. A succulent roast beef.
  3. I'd book a plane ticket to the most authentic restaurant in Morocco.
  4. A quality bowl of chili will do just fine.
  5. Steak dinner and cocktails.
  6. Bottomless barbecue and beer.
  7. I don't get spoiled often, so I'd go all out. The penthouse restaurant at the most expensive hotel in the city. Lobster and Champagne.
  8. A full spread of old-school Southern chow. Fried catfish, hushpuppies, green beans, finished off with a quality pecan pie.
  9. A bloody rare cut of beef, along with al dente white beans and a glass or two of Italian wine.
  10. A big plate of pork ribs to go with my Scotch.

4. You check your email the morning after a night of one too many mixed drinks, and find the receipt to an online order you made in your tipsy stupor. What did you buy?

  1. Shoes. Too many expensive shoes.
  2. A pair of Italian leather driving gloves.
  3. Some new luggage for my next trip abroad.
  4. Nothin' fancy. Maybe a new bathrobe.
  5. An overpriced set of golf clubs.
  6. A bunch of memorabilia from my favorite TV show. No regrets.
  7. A bunch of books I know I'll never read.
  8. New Stetson hat to add to my collection.
  9. A gift for the woman I've been pursuing.
  10. A collection of rare and insanely pricey cigars.

5. Towards the end of a party, your friends always know it's time to put you in a cab home when:

  1. When I can't stop babbling about all my failed relationships.
  2. I would never let myself get to that point in the first place.
  3. When everyone else is passed out on the floor.
  4. When I get myself into a brawl.
  5. When I'm about to go home with someone who isn't my spouse.
  6. When I start screaming at all the other guests.
  7. When I find myself flirting with the least receptive person in the room.
  8. When I start to lose sight of my steadfast morals.
  9. When I get a little too handsy with strangers.
  10. My friends would never put me in a cab home—I'm too much fun!

6. A relaxing night in is upon you. What music do you put on as you sip your drink of choice?

courtesy kenn wilson
courtesy kenn wilson
  1. All my nostalgic 80s favorites. Cyndi Lauper, Blondie, Madonna.
  2. My jazz collection.
  3. Frank Sinatra. I could listen to him all night.
  4. Something super chill, like whale songs.
  5. A playlist of good "thinking" music.
  6. "It's Raining Men" on repeat.
  7. Top 40. Can't help but love it.
  8. Nothin' but Bluegrass.
  9. Classical music on vinyl.
  10. I'd play my own music. I'm an incredible flutist.

7. What would someone typically find atop your bedside table?

  1. My laptop, candles, a photo of me and my best friends.
  2. Cologne, cuff links, my Rolex watch.
  3. A few trinkets from my many travels and my passport.
  4. Lava lamp, my bowling trophy, an ashtray. Dang, really miss that rug...
  5. Cigarettes, my work notebook, my wedding ring.
  6. Beer cans, a chocolate wrapper, a condensation stain next to the unused coaster.
  7. Nail polish, body lotion, my tips from last night's dinner shift.
  8. A pocket knife and a portable sized copy of the US Constitution.
  9. A ticket to the opera, a box of Kleenex, my private journal.
  10. A stack of leather bound books.

8. Describe the shoes you wore today:

  1. A brand spanking new pair of Manolo Blahnik suede boots.
  2. Crockett & Jones Highbury dress shoes.
  3. Hiking boots.
  4. Bathroom slippers.
  5. The freshly polished loafers I wore to the office.
  6. The same plain black shoes I wear every day.
  7. The sneakers I wore to my day job.
  8. Kentucky-made cowboy boots.
  9. Alligator skin dress shoes.
  10. My classic white leather slip-ons.

9. You decide to adopt a puppy. He's a bit of a mutt. What do you name him?

courtesy ralph and jenny
courtesy ralph and jenny
  1. Stiletto
  2. Ace
  3. Cheetah
  4. Mary Jane
  5. Chevy
  6. Jingle Bells
  7. Toto
  8. Trigger
  9. Crimson
  10. I'd name him after myself.

10. What was your drink of choice in college?

  1. Vodka cranberry
  2. Martini
  3. Whiskey ginger
  4. Spiked punch. I only ever liked the sweet stuff.
  5. Whiskey on the rocks
  6. Cheap beer
  7. Whatever they were serving at the frat party
  8. Bourbon sweet tea
  9. I've always enjoyed my wine.
  10. Scotch!


Mostly As: You're Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City. You're the fun-loving urbanite—the life of the cocktail party. You're the one who likes to sip cool drinks in cool bars with your cool friends, and have a generally fabulous time, without ever getting too out of hand. Drinking is a social thing for you, and is an integral part of your lively, cosmopolitan lifestyle. Your drink: a Cosmopolitan, of course.

Mostly Bs: You're James Bond from Casino Royale. You're a high-class drinker who only accepts the finest, and you never lets anyone see you get too wild. You enjoy upscale venues, upscale spirits, and upscale company. You might get through five or six cocktails before the night is over, but you always keep your cool. Your drink: a Vesper Martini. Shaken.

Mostly Cs: You're Marion Ravenwood from Raiders of the Lost Ark, specifically the Marion we see in the bar scene of the film, where she drinks a bunch of Soviet men under the table and is still lucid enough to put up a fight for Indiana Jones. You're a scrappy and adventurous drinker who isn't afraid to do a few shooters and stay up late. You're able to hold your liquor better than most, and you're typically the last one standing at a party. You may not look the toughest, but you've had enough life experience to whip you into the resilient imbiber that you are. Your drink: Cognac.

courtesy callum mckain
courtesy callum mckain

Mostly Ds: You're The Dude from The Big Lebowski. You're a laid-back bachelor, who just likes to go to his favorite bar (the one in the bowling alley) and drink his signature drink, without a lot of fuss. Your lax nature sometimes lands you in some wacky situations, and you've gotten yourself into a drunken fight or two, but you're generally a good-natured drinker, albeit a bit lazy. You simply like to kick back with a nice sweet beverage, let it drip from your scraggy beard and enjoy yourself. Your drink: a White Russian.

Mostly Es: You're Mad Men's Don Draper. You're the mysterious, brusque king of cocktails, who kills it in the boardroom by day, stays well hydrated all day at the office, but still enjoys a handsome liquid reward by night. You embody the work hard, play hard mentality, and have no shame in partaking in a healthy dose of dark liquor to get your mind off your troubles. Your drinking may sometimes get in the way of your relationships, but it hasn't seemed to stop you yet. Your drink: an Old Fashioned.

Mostly Fs: You're Homer Simpson. You're a couch potato, goofball, and ultimately, a beer lover. You "no function beer well without," as Homer once said in a moment of pure eloquence. You have a neighborhood bar that you like, a beer that you like, and that's all you need. You don't have a fancy bone in your body, but that's a-ok with you. All it takes is a 12-pack and a good show on TV, and you're set. Your drink: Pabst Blue Ribbon. (Or Duff, if you can find it...)

Mostly Gs: You're Penny from The Big Bang Theory. You're the outgoing, bubbly drinker who enjoys a good time, but rarely gets to the point of being hammered. You don't have a particularly sophisticated taste in liquor, but you just drink to have fun with your pals anyway. You're sociable and sweet, but can totally get down with the party crowd too. You're "the fun one" in your friend group. Your drink: Rum and Diet Coke.

Mostly Hs: You're deputy US Marshal Raylan Givens from FX's drama series Justified. You're the brooding, mysterious Bourbon drinker, who sits at the bar alone and keeps a subtle, watchful eye on the evening's revelry. You have an old-fashioned cowboy sense about you and appreciate the beauty of a throwback American liquor. You like to indulge in a quality beverage, but you only really ever get drunk when some trouble buried deep inside that hardened exterior of yours comes knocking. Your drink: Bourbon, neat.

Mostly Is: You're Hannibal Lecter from Silence of the Lambs. You tend to get a little surly when you drink—creepy even—but that doesn't mean you don't thoroughly enjoy a bottle of earthy, red wine and impeccable service. You appreciate a truly sophisticated experience when you drink, complete with exquisite food pairings and proper manners. You're a deeply observant type, and delight in savoring each and every element of your hand-picked libations. Your drink: a glass of Chianti.

Mostly Js: You're Anchorman's Ron Burgundy. You're a confident sort (some might say cocky), who loves to socialize and boast about your accomplishments and possessions. You put forth a highly sophisticated image, but at the end of the day, you just like to go hard and get wild, like everyone else. You fancy yourself the life of the party, and in truth, no one can really argue with you. Your drink: Scotch. Scotchy scotch scotch...